when you’re at your darkest, you’ll see the stars. Clearly.
During my not-so-bright times and probably problematic times, I saw the real people who stood by my side no matter what. It was a dark moment for me. I was losing my confidence and everything but they stayed. They stayed. No matter what people said about me that may probably ruin how someone will look at me, they stayed. And I appreciate that very much.
So basically, they’re my stars. When I was in the dark, they gave me light. When I thought isn’t anyone who’ll stay by my side, they stayed. And I am nothing but grateful for that. Haha.
Wait paulit ulit nalang sinasabi ko.
People come and go. That’s a hard lesson I learned from previous experiences. No matter how close you’ve been, no matter how dearly you’ve treated them, they’ll still leave. Eventually.
It’s kinda sad? Isn’t it? How once you guys are the closest of friends, now you’re just strangers with a memory, a history. No matter how much you wanted them to stay, well they are they’re own person and have their own decisions so… It’s still up to them.
But how about you? How are you gonna deal with all that? How will you move on? Knowing that some people who are actually part of your daily routine has left. How will you cope up with that?
Just realizing it now, my last entry was a couple months ago and it was quite you know, deep. Though it doesn’t seem very much that way. This entry however is about how I got messed up after a long period of spending some time alone. It was 4 months though. And having all that time to spend with myself is quite dangerous. My mind’s a bit of a dangerous place. *winks*
So anyway, the university I’m attending shifted it’s academic calendar making August as the start of classes instead of the usual, June. And summer break starts at April and I don’t have any subjects I need to take for summer, so in short, I spent the whole 4 months all to myself. I stayed all day in our house, watched movies and TV series and everything else I could think of just to avoid getting bored. But then eventually, there are days wherein you just wanna lay in bed all day and explore the dangerous parts of your human brain.
Let’s fast forward to August where the start of classes began since I don’t really have anything majestic to share about my 4-month vacation. The start of classes was, of course, ecstatic. Getting to see all my friends again and spend time with them and laugh with them is quite really delighting. But then again, I noticed something different with the way I communicate with people. Well, I’ve known myself to be an introvert. Over the years, no matter how I try to become everybody else whose so friendly and so gregarious, I would always find myself comfortable with solitude. Well that’s how I would describe myself though.
Well, about that change, I just can’t seem to find my confidence with people again. It’s just like, I don’t know, maybe I just spent a lot of time away from something, but you know, I’m not really sure. All I know is that, I’m not a hundred percent the same before. Something’s changed. And I’m so eager to find out what that is. 😉
I wanna have something they don’t.
So that when they leave,
I have something to run to.
A place, a thing, a person…
Just something I could run to.
If ever they start leaving me.
I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of mistakes from my life. You know, it’s just that it doesn’t feel right, and I don’t feel happy at all. I feel so empty!
Let’s start with my chosen field. I like studying engineering. It makes me feel like I can conquer my greatest fear which is numbers. It also feels cool, like when people find out you are an engineering student their reaction is awesome. And it feels good you know. Knowing how people look up to you with awe. But then again, I don’t feel genuinely happy. Like the real happiness. It feels so wrong. In fact, I can’t remember a time when I said to myself that I’m really and genuinely happy. Some say you just gotta love what you do, I tried but I didn’t really know if I succeeded in any way. So there goes XXX number 1.
The other one is my group of friends. I have lots of friends, as a matter of fact within our circle we are all 16 in total. Some people find that amazing. As some may say, “the more, the merrier.” I would like to agree with that thought but some parts of me is reluctant. Yes, we are quite a huge group but I don’t think we are united you know. Of course there will be someone closer to the other one than the rest of the group. But what’s the sense of being in a group if you’re gonna group yourselves into smaller one? I just find it extremely absurd and disappointing. And also, I feel like I’m an outcast. Well, I’ve known myself as secretive and not expressive. If I feel something terribly wrong, I just keep it for myself instead of talking about it. Maybe that’s why I’m the one who has gone astray. I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE I’M JUST OVERTHINKING AND OVERFEELING(as if there’s a word like that).
I don’t like myself. I’m not happy. And I’m ugly. 🙊🙀
I’m insecure. So insecure I think I might just lose myself.
I have this, some sort of very low self-esteem and I always think I suck at everything. As you can see, lately, I’ve been failing all my subjects in school and some of my friends are passing them all. What would I think then? I was trying to convince that maybe they just studied harder than I did, but that’s not it. The answer is so simple. It was because they’re all better than I am, smarter than I’ll ever be. And no matter what I do, I would never beat them.
Second, I feel so ugly as fvck. I don’t knowww maybe I’m crazy. :(((((( But yeah, i feel so uglyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
I really don’t know what I’m gonna do with me.